1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss.
1 in 160 pregnancies end in stillbirth.
I was still pregnant, he was still born.
I don’t share about Calvin and my grief in order to draw attention or seek pity. Yes, my baby died and yes, it is tragic. But I share about Calvin because he LIVED.
I had 39 wonderful weeks where I carried him under my heart. I got to feel him move and kick, and play shy whenever I tried to record it. I got really into macrame while I was pregnant with Calvin, and he attended all the trade shows. He also took a pottery course with me, and travelled to Arizona with us. He also reignited my passion for writing. He was snuggled by us, as well as the cats. They loved my pregnant belly.
He was my first baby, and was with me through all the first-time pregnancy woes & thrills. Calvin left his imprint on my body in the stretch marks and the soft spots. At first that was a cruel reminder of his passing, but now it is a beautiful reminder of his life. He taught me that I am stronger than I ever knew, and has given me the courage to define my boundaries.
There were 275 days filled with joy and dreams. He was so wanted. Travis and I had so much fun making all our plans. I think we had even more fun pretending the whole time that we didn’t know he was a boy! We got to experience pure joy during my pregnancy with Calvin. His life brought us closer together, and through his death we are closer still. We are so proud to be his parents.
He lived and he is so loved. I cannot stop loving Calvin just because he is no longer here. All my love for him has to go somewhere, and I choose to put it towards creating a legacy. Not only for him, but for everyone who has felt silenced or alone in the face of a similar tragedy. I am 1 in 4, but that is more than a statistic. It is me. It could also be your friend, your sister, your mother. Maybe it is also you. Our babies lived, our babies are loved. They may not be with us physically, but I know I will forever carry Calvin in my heart.
If you are a bereaved parent, I hope you never feel that you should stop sharing about your baby. If you know a bereaved parent, ask if they would like to share about their baby (or babies). It may hurt, but it hurts because we love them so. I am 1 in 4, I am 1 in 160, and I will not keep quiet. My baby lived, and my baby is loved. I will continue to share to break the stigma. I will continue to share so that you know you are not alone.